Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pickup lines

26 October 2004

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: There’s no need to get on your knees just yet …

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: That’s cool, cause after I’m done shagging you in the back of My car,
I don’t give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to
shake off once you’ve been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?

Woman: I’d rather eat glass.

Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: You’re pretty…

Woman: Piss off.

Man: Don’t interrupt, You’re pretty fuck’n ugly.


Office Pranks

18 October 2004

Planet Wally: Pranks


How to poo at work

18 October 2004

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check For other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This Is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often See an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or Magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to Force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert Potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that You are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, Create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend Extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Things to do at the office

18 October 2004

Page yourself over the intercom (don’t disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by those nicknames. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Chi.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example, “if anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. ?Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. Eat an entire raw potato.

Insist that your email address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you for something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of the company’s products. Forward the email to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Put the garbage can on your desk. Label it “in.”

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your kids.

 


Out-Of-The-Office

15 October 2004

Phrases For Your “Out-Of-The-Office” E-Mail Auto-Reply‚Ķ.


  • I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  • I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 7 Jan. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  • Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged R5.99 for the first ten words and R1.99 for each additional word in your message
  • ‘The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of it is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
  • Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  • Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
  • I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
  • Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  • I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’.
  • I’ve run away to join a different circus.


Best things to say when someone catches you sleeping at your desk

15 October 2004

Best things to say when someone catches you sleeping at your desk


  • They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
  • This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
  • Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
  • I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
  • This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
  • I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
  • Actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
  • I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practise Yoga?
  • Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
  • The coffee machine is broken….
  • Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
  • Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
  • Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
  • And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk : Amen