Don’t waste time reading those long winded classics, use Book-A-Minute to give you the low down in under a minute.
- How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
- How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
- Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
- What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
- Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your biltong is getting wet, then for the eating period only then is it permissible.
- It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”
e. When she is using her teeth.
- Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- If you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.
- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
- You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
- It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
- Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
- Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
- Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain the offside rule or LBW) and the ability to drink along with the other sports watchers.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that’s just greedy.
- If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
- Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
- Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
- The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal ‘drunken monkey sex’, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
- The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets a Play Station II.