Twelve Days of Christmas

• 14 Dec

  Dearest John

  I went to the door and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
  What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

  With dearest love and affection,

  Agnes

• 15 Dec

  Dearest John,

  Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
  doves … I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
  adorable.

  All my love,

  Agnes

• 16 Dec

  Dear John

  Oh aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such
  generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist….
  you are too kind.

  Love,

  Agnes

• 17 Dec

  Dear John

  Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are too
  beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
  Affectionately,

  Agnes

• 18 Dec

  Dearest John

  What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for each
  finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John all those
  squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

  All my love,

  Agnes

• 19 Dec

  Dear John

  When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
  steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! Where
  ever will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can’t sleep
  through all the racket.

  PLEASE STOP!

  Cordially,

  Agnes

• 20 Dec

  John

  What’s with you and the f…. birds? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of a
  goddam joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never
  stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep at night.
  IT’S NOT FUNNY … so stop with the f… birds!

  Sincerely,

  Agnes

• 21 Dec

  Buster,

  I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
  a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
  but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn
  and I can’t move in and out of my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

  Ag

• 22 Dec

  Hey Shithead,

  What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers piping. And boy,
  do they pipe! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here.
  The cows are upset and stepping all over the screeching birds. No wonder
  they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition
  to evict me. You’ll get yours.

  From

  Ag

• 23 Dec

  You Rotten Jerk,

  Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those tarts ladies.
  They’ve been all over the nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t
  sleep and they’ve got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The
  commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
  shouldn’t be condemned. I’m setting the police on you.
  One who means it,

  Ag

• 24 Dec

  Listen asshole,

  What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping of those maids and the aforementioned
  “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
  through the maids and are after the cows now! All 234 of the birds are dead.
  They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied you
  rotten swine.

  Your sworn enemy,

  Agnes McCallister

• 25 Dec (from the offices of Taeker, Spreder and Baeger)

  Dear Sir,

  This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
  you’ve seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
  destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
  attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at the Happy-Dale
  Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
  this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest attached.

  Taeker, Spreder and Baeger – Attorneys at Law

Get your mind out of the gutter

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
talk

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
legs

What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
firetruck

What does a dog do that you can step into?
pants

What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t get
one you can use your hands?
fork

What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
grit

What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others;
the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re
married?
last name

Firefox

A moment to reflect…

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song “The Hokey Pokey“, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

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